The Complicated Relationship with my Boobs

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Recently I've been contemplating weaning River off the boob. It's been a great journey being able to feed him with my body but I'm ready to have my body back now. When I was telling myself I was doing this I though, "Finally! He doesn't have to be dependent on me and I can finally have some freedom". But right as that thought crossed my mind a million other feelings and emotions came with stopping that I didn't expect.

The first emotion that came over me was guilt. I feel like moms get enough of that already so why not keep this guilt train going with another factor to make us feel bad and that we are ruining our child. I think this guilt comes from me choosing when to stop. I'm making that decision and River gets no say...mainly because he can't really talk yet. Breastfeeding is crazy amazing and I still can't believe how powerful and beneficial it is to a baby. It builds up their immune and gives them exactly what they need when they need it. This being said, there's nothing wrong with formula and it's been bulking up babies forever and some moms don't get the choice of breastfeeding and there's nothing wrong with choosing another way to KEEP YOUR BABY ALIVE! That's a whole other conversation, though, that I'll probably talk about later in the blog. 

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Back to these complicated emotions... So, as I start to make the transition to no more boobies I still get flashes of weaknesses like this week when River had a cold. I felt that I shouldn't deny him the healing juices of the boob but also knew that he's going to still get sick no matter what and I can't use that as an excuse all the time or I'll be breastfeeding him until he's 11. And no one wants that. The other feeling I have on the matter is to give him some more independence. He's been slowly showing he wants that with FINALLY sleeping in his crib and entertaining himself. It's been a cool experience to see him venture on his own but also a little sad that he doesn't need me as much. It's funny because it's complicated feeling because as I write this I also get excited that he doesn't need me as much and he can take care of himself because inevitably he's going to do that anyways. I might as well just let him to him. 

I will, though, miss the closeness of having his little body pressed up against me. That comfort that we bring each other and the warmth of his body. It's something I wouldn't trade in even now that he's big enough to squirm around and bite my nipple, I'll still miss it. On the plus side this also will give a little more ownership to my husband to help with the nighttime ritual, which already this week he's put him to bed successfully! It'll be nice to have help and to even the playing field a bit. I know I'm nervous about the middle of the night wakings but I know it'll be ok and we will all get through it (hopefully). We are all growing as a family and even with these complicated feelings will probably dissipate I'm sure new ones will take it's place! 

Being a parents is crazy and I'm so lucky to have the support of my other mama's out there to help me get through these weird times of questioning. We got each others backs and it makes this whole motherhood thing possible!

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