Being Real With My New Identity
It's still a hard pill to swallow that I'm a mom. It's not because I don't think of myself not capable of taking care of this little side kick but because I still don't fully think of myself as a mom. Yes, I do mom things like feed him and take care of him but I look at myself in the mirror and still see that girl who loves cartoons and joking around with my friends. Not saying that I can't do that still but there's just a few more factors that comes into play.
Recently I was talking with one of my best friends who lives in Chicago about a trip out there to go to a X-Files Convention. I absolutely love conventions and cos-playing and was excited to not only go to one with my friend but also to dress up like Agent Scully. As the date got closer and closer I realized I didn't make any plans. I didn't look for a ticket in advance. I didn't pump extra milk to have as a back up supply and didn't really communicate that well with my friend to let her know that I was coming or not. I took a second to reflect why I did this to myself and what was holding me back from taking this mini fun vacation that I would have been all over before the baby and I realized I was scared. Even though I had taken a trip out to California when little dude was 6 months I realized that I had a really hard time being away from him. And not only that but I was constantly reminded he wasn't there because I had to pump every 3 hours to keep up my milk supply, and that was a lot of work. I think I still had some post traumatic stress from our first trip left over and was scared to leave. I know it would be find and my husband would be able to take care of him but I felt a mix of guilt and nerves that I should stay.
After realizing this feeling of stress and guilt I talked to my friend about it. I told her that I felt nervous and sad about being away from the dude because right now he's so dependent on me and how it's just hard to get away from him right now. I have a hard enough time leaving him for 3 hours let alone 3 days. It's a weird, new tug in my life that I want to make sure I'm protecting this baby and that I'm doing everything for him, which means forgoing some of my interests. This also made me confront that I will have to let go some and take that time for myself because I shouldn't totally dismiss my friends either. They are really important to me and I want to make sure they know they are still very special in my life and just because I have a baby doesn't mean that I'll be obsessed with him and forget everyone else. It'll just be a bit of an adjustment period as I figure out how to balance this new life and identity as a mom and to understand my feelings that I'm going through.
I'm really lucky to have patient friends who understand and don't get offended that I'm struggling with this new life and my friend even suggested that I come and bring my little dude! Just that made me feel really good and happy that even with this new life changing event that I have great friends who will stick by me becasue even though I'm a mom I like to think that I'm still cool and myself but just have a new friend along for the ride that I hope they, too will love as much as I do.