How to Cope with Your New not so secret Identity: Motherhood
I never sought out this new life. Sure, I had baby dolls growing up and played house but I also had action figures and micro machines, so I already wasn’t playing by the standard gendered rules of toys (who I have my mom/dad to thank). I also never daydreamed about getting married (besides to Tom Cruise...which thankfully I dodged a bullet there) or having kids. That just seemed like “grown up” things to do. And that was the last thing I wanted was to be a grown up. YUCK!
So, down the road I met an amazing gentleman who made me laugh and matched me at intelligence, sass, and wit. Who could pass that up, so I locked that down and married him, though probably not as soon as our family wanted us to. Next on the list of things we are supposed to do was to have a baby. Instead we decided to move to California where we spent a lovely six years out there until we decided that we should move back and be closer to family. Of course that's when I find out a little surprise. I was pregnant.
I wasn’t really into the idea of having kids for a long time. I was stuck in this notion of how motherhood was “supposed” to be. I don’t know if it was the remnants of the 50s housewives that hung around during my moms time when she got pregnant with me and my sister in the 1980s but I felt like if you were a mom that’s all you were. That wasn't my path in life. I didn't want to just be a mom. I wanted to be something more and different then my parents (though they are amazing people who were teachers and touched so many lives) I wanted a different life. So, when I found out I was pregnant last year there was a wave of excitement and terror that had entered my consciousness. I had decided a few months before finding out the results that I didn’t hate the idea of a baby and was as ready as I would ever be but there was still something so terrifying to see to positive sign on that stupid piece of plastic that made me think “well life finds a way”.
So, fast forward to having this baby (there will be plenty of articles and thoughts about pregnancy in the near future). Here I am holding this thing that was invading my insides for 9 months and now on the outside pooping, peeing, and crying at and on me. What the fuck was going on? Who was I again (probably the lack of sleep talking) but I honestly didn’t know how to feel about this new role that I was handed as this baby was pooped out of my vagina. I felt weird (still probably the lack of sleep) but not really different. I had a lot of different women tell me that everything changes when you have a baby, so when my son was born I was expecting to cry and understand the meaning of life. But as they pulled my new buddy out with his little cone shaped head, I just laughed. He looked like an alien and I thought I was in an episode of X-Files being abducted. I looked around for Mulder and Skully but they were no where to be seen. I guess this was real. So, of course I laughed more as they plopped this little gooey guy on me and shoved his face into my boob. Welcome to motherhood.
The first few weeks were a blur of just getting the hang of this whole "making sure this baby doesn’t die" business. I didn't have too much time to stop and think who this new Stacie was. I’m a mom? Really!? I felt as if this was my new secret identity. That this person, Stacie Sells, I was before was just a cover that I used day in and day out but my real strength came from this new power I possessed. Being a mom. I never thought that this would be something I would think of as a power. I always thought “ugh, moms are sappy bores” but when in reality they are amazingly powerful, patience human beings that we're all lucky to have come from.
All mama’s are amazing humans and as I go through all these thoughts and changes in my life I was hoping to spread this enlightened feeling to other moms who might feel a little out of place in this whole motherhood game. I want you to realize the power you have and to know you are part of a larger collective. A Justice League of sorts or Avengers. A collective called The League of Extraordinary Mama’s!